Discernment Counseling
Is Your Marriage on the Brink of Divorce?
Choose the statement below that best describes your situation.
Are You And Your Partner Facing A Crossroads In Your Relationship?
Is your relationship in trouble but you can’t agree on what action to take? Does one of you want to try to work things out while the other has decided it’s time to split up? Would you benefit from working with a counselor trained in Discernment Counseling who can lay out options for you and help you reach a mutual decision?
Perhaps the struggles you’ve been experiencing within your marriage have reached a breaking point and you feel like something has to change. But with differing opinions about how to proceed, you may be stuck in the very patterns causing you distress rather than moving ahead with an action plan for your marriage. Maybe one of you is leaning into the relationship and hoping to resolve your differences, while the other is leaning out and ready to call it quits.
If You’re Leaning In…
After everything you’ve worked together to build, you may be feeling frustrated by your partner’s unwillingness to try and work things out. However, in your quest to salvage your relationship, you may be “chasing” them, pushing your partner further away through blame and shame, or not showing that you fully understand their concerns, among other things.
If You’re Leaning Out…
To spare your partner’s feelings, perhaps you haven’t been forthcoming about how resolved you are to end things. If you’ve already concluded you want out of the relationship, you may have checked out emotionally, given up hope that your marriage is worth saving, and only been focusing on the negative.
Until you come to some accord, you might feel stuck in emotional limbo. If you and your spouse have a mixed agenda about how to move forward in your relationship, Discernment Counseling may help. Discernment Counseling is a short-term therapy designed to help you reach a mutual decision about how best to move forward.
Making The Decision To Stay Together Or Divorce Is Difficult
If we struggle with conflict, disconnection, and lack of intimacy with our partner, we may find that the idea of separating or divorcing seems like an easier option than trying to figure out ways to improve the marriage. Maybe you’ve lost hope that the marriage is repairable, so you’ve hit an impasse. Yet, pulling the trigger on dissolution may seem overwhelming. After all, deciding to split up inevitably leads to a major disruption in the status quo and a period of instability for both you and your family.
Commonly, the ambivalence we feel about whether or not to go our separate ways may lead us to remain in a holding pattern of non-action. Our indecision is heightened if either one of us remains motivated to work on the relationship one last time before agreeing to break up.
Maybe you have tried couples therapy but you continue to fall back into old patterns or find your issues remain unresolved. Perhaps you can’t decide if couples therapy would be worth it again or if you should just end the marriage. Having a discernment therapist to help both of you work through the process of deciding on the best course of action for you, your family, and your marriage can be immeasurably beneficial.
Unlike traditional couples therapy, Discernment Counseling is structured to help partners arrive at a decision. By walking you through three potential options, your discernment therapist will help you agree upon the best course of action.
Discernment Counseling Helps Clarify Your Options And Arrive At A Mutual Decision
No matter how either of you feel about the relationship when you begin Discernment Counseling, you will both be treated with compassion, respect, and understanding. As a trained Discernment counselor, my goal is for both of you to arrive at a decision with confidence and clarity.
Our sessions are designed to meet each of you where you are with a blend of individual conversations and carefully mediated discussions between the two of you. Discernment Counseling sessions are unlike traditional couples therapy; the emphasis will be on what you can learn about yourselves based on the current state of the marriage. I will help you reflect honestly and authentically on how your role in the relationship has led to this moment, creating a safe space for introspection.
What To Expect In Sessions
Your initial commitment will be one two-hour session. At its conclusion, you will decide whether you would like to attend an additional session with the option of attending up to five sessions altogether. Even though you will each spend part of the time in the waiting room, for Discernment Counseling to be successful, it’s important both of you attend every session.
You will meet with me individually with the understanding that I will not share the specifics of what you tell me in confidence. Meeting individually with me allows both of you the freedom to consider an option you may feel more constrained to contemplate with your partner present. However, you’ll be encouraged to share your impressions, reactions, and possible revelations in our group conversations.
The Three Paths Of Discernment Counseling
Path One - Keep the marriage status quo: Perhaps your current circumstances—such as finances or family obligations—prevent you from moving ahead with dissolution. Or maybe one or both of you isn’t ready to pull the trigger on divorce but are also unable to fully commit to doing the work it may take to stay together. If you decide to remain status quo, you can revisit paths 2 and 3 down the road.
Path Two - Move forward with separation or divorce: Before arriving at this decision, I will ensure that each of you has carefully considered the pros, cons, and potential ramifications of divorce. You may be challenged to examine your contributions to the current state of your marriage and explore potential for personal change and growth. If you and your spouse move forward with this path, I will help you find resources and work through other potential considerations in an effort to make the process as smooth and amicable as possible.
Path Three - Commit to six months of couples therapy: Separation or divorce will be taken off the table while you both commit to six months of couples therapy to see if repair and reconciliation are possible. Because couples who embark on Discernment Counseling have often attended therapy before, we will discuss what approach you believe will work best for you based on your past couples therapy experience and your current needs. Depending on your preferences, I will either refer you to a therapist who is well-suited to your needs or continue to work with you myself.
At the end of Discernment Counseling, you will have a clearer understanding of a path forward.
But You May Wonder Whether Discernment Counseling Is Right For You…
I don’t want a divorce, but what if that’s the decision we ultimately reach in Discernment Counseling?
Many couples have difficulties coming to a consensus on how to proceed when their marriage is in trouble, especially when one spouse is set on divorce. As a trained Discernment counselor, I can help you both come to a decision that’s clear and well-considered. Although the decision you reach may be different than the one you thought you wanted or were hoping for, with a clear path forward you can begin the healing process.
We’ve tried couples therapy before, and it didn’t help—how is Discernment Counseling different?
Discernment Marriage Counseling is not the same as couples therapy. The goal is to meet you and your partner where you are and help you decide on a long-term course of action by considering three potential paths for your marriage. Once this short-term process is complete, you will have opted for a "path" forward, whether that be staying together and forgoing therapy at this time, recommitting to couples therapy, or moving towards separation or divorce. Discernment Counseling is different in that the goal is not to improve your relationship skills, but to gain insight into your current relationship, how you came to this place in your marriage, and how to move forward with resolve.
My partner doesn’t want to come to Discernment Counseling with me.
Working with a Discernment therapist requires both you and your partner’s commitment to the process. If your spouse is unwilling to attend Discernment Counseling, then this targeted approach to therapy may not be the right option for you at this time. However, we can discuss the option of Hopeful Spouse Counseling or you can seek out individual therapy to process and work through the relationship issues you may be having with your partner.
Choosing A Clear Path Offers You Both Peace Of Mind
There’s no reason to remain stuck in limbo with your relationship. To learn more about Discernment Counseling, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation through my contact page.